Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Kiptyn, you need to card Tenley.

Monday night, Labor Day, my girlfriend Hopie and I were watching some television when, all of a sudden, we hear a series of “pops” come from somewhere outside. We muted the program and listened some more. I turned to Hopie and explained that people were setting off fireworks. I’ve never heard of Labor Day being a big firework holiday, but I guess some people will use any excuse to set off explosives. “Yay!! We have a job!” Actually, in today’s economy, that might be something worth celebrating with fireworks.

Getting back to television, we were watching ABC’s Bachelor Pad, the spin-off of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. I wouldn’t even mention it, except that I just need to rant about Tenley. I’ve finally figured out what the “Ten” in Tenley stand for. She acts like she is ten. Ten years old. One example is when she describes her relationship with Kiptyn, one of the bachelors staying in the pad. “We’re Kip-Ten!” Really, Tenley? Did you really just say that?

But that’s rather tame to intellectual deduction she displays later in the episode. If you are not familiar with the show, couples compete for the opportunity to go on a special date. Before the date, a note card is delivered to the contestants with a clue as to what will happen on this special date. This week, Dave and Natalie won the special date and the card read, “Get ready to spend a night under the stars.” While everyone is trying to figure out what the clue could mean, Tenley gets all excited and says, “I bet they’re going up in a rocket! . . . It’s a rocket . . . they are going to ride in rocket!”

Yeah, Tenley, NASA is going to spend millions to launch a rocket for ABC. Dave and Natalie will get up to space, circle the planet once, maybe make out Moonraker style, and then come back down. But wait, it gets better.

Another couple spots the car that Dave and Natalie will be driving in to their date, a yellow Lamborghini, sitting in the driveway. When they go inside to tell everyone that they saw the couple’s vehicle, Tenley asks, “Is it a rocket?” Tenley, where would they even erect the launch pad?

Did I say ten years old? Maybe seven.

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